GETTING IT BACK

Wow...you're just getting through a divorce, and suddenly you're realizing that in the time it took you to raise a family and take care of a household, you've lost all touch with who you were "before".

Before I started a family, I was this fearless, independent, take no shat individual, who had the world by the tail. I knew who I was, what I wanted, and exactly how I was going to get it.

Two kids into my marriage, I'd managed to turn into a 'mombot'...as most of us do. It's almost unavoidable.

What's a "Mombot"?

A Mombot is what I call the woman who's left her old life and dreams behind, for the sake of getting married, having and raising a family. She's robot mom. She does what's best for her family by default, for the most part, forgoing her own well being. It's not an insult...it happens to most of us. We put the care and well being of our significant others and our children before our own, and we turn into mombots.

What happens to the mombot when the relationship goes south?

Mombot most likely has been out of the workforce (the 'above ground' work force) for awhile. Mombot has become a part of the 'underground' work force. I call it the underground work force, because it would seem that the tendency of society in general is to assume that children raise themselves. They cook and clean for themselves, tutor themselves with regard to homework and general social manners. Society places very little value on the work that we as mothers do to provide it with intelligent, caring, contributing members. We are almost invisible. I have a girlfriend, whose husband actually pays her a salary to stay home and take care of their home and children.

What a WICKED idea!!! He gets paid to go out and work, why shouldn't she get paid to stay in and work??

But I digress.

The challenge for the Mombot post-divorce is how to 'find herself'. Because she's put her own interests on the back burner, she has very little social life to speak of...no real job skills unless folding laundry and changing diapers is in hot demand on Monster.com.

So...what do we do Mombots? Let's figure out what we like now...because it's been awhile since we've actually asked ourselves that question. Let's tackle the social aspect of this first shall we? What happened to our friends?All married off with kids? Or are they single, divorced...not sure?

When I was in the divorce process, I found that the stress and sometimes the anger were more than I could take on without some kind of release. So...I took up kickboxing. It was a ton of fun, I made some new friends, and my instructor allowed me to bring a picture of my ex to class! I taped him to the heavy bag and watched with glee as the entire class kicked at his head! =)

I'm still kickboxing 6 years later.

At the time, I wasn't particularly interested in kickboxing, but I needed something to help with the stress. Kickboxing did the trick.

Find out what interests you. If nothing comes to mind, try something new! What did you like doing before you had children? What did you like to do when you were 12? Ask your mom if you don't remember.

Don't think about it. Just do it. Need help? Email me!

You have the opportunity to be the architect of your brand new life.

Thanks for reading.

Debbie.

THE GIFT OF MUSIC

Have you ever asked yourself; "What makes me happy"? Or, "What inspires me?" It doesn't have to be anything complicated. The things that make me happy are the sound of my children laughing, beating my son at Wii Bowling, spending a lazy day doing nothing in particular, and music. I love good music.

I have two teenagers, and one almost teenager. My house is filled with the sound of one of three things at any given time of the day; Guitar Hero, my daughter singing, or music. Nine times out of ten, there's music playing in my house, be it Chris Botti's sexy trumpet (his new CD is amazing), Robin Thicke's latest (equally amazing), or my son's Aerosmith (he's in a phase that hasn't run its course yet), my home is never quiet, and I love every second of it.

I found that music, I'm not especially picky about what kind (with the exception of country) has a tendency to lift my spirits like nothing else. When I'm cleaning, music makes the chores go much faster, when I'm reading, it soothes me, when I'm kind of in a nutty-bounce-around-the-house mood, I've got tunes for that too. I absolutely love it.
I think that one of the sweetest inventions of this century is the iPod. I'm not particularly tech savvy so I still have the iPod Video (my daughter has the iPod Touch), but it suits me just fine. I plug it in to my computer, and purchase the latest tunes. Whatever's putting my mood 'off' is generally taken care of with the right music.
Try it. The next time you're in a foul mood, regardless of what it is that you're stewing about, turn on a cool tune, and let it envelope you.

Here are just a few tunes to help you get started;

Find some great tunes, and start enjoying!

Thanks for reading!

Debbie.

HANGING ON TO YOUR SANITY

Every once in awhile, I'll have a day when I feel as though the weight of the world is pulling the rug out from under me. More often than not, I'm so busy taking care of everyone BUT me, I feel like I want to run and hide somewhere.

I've been divorced for a few years, I have our three children full time, and sometimes, the thought of doing everything by myself is more than a bit daunting. About a year after the split, I bought a new house...new car and I started a new business.

Add to that, my childrens' father moved about 45 minutes away, and had the children every other weekend. Which meant that I had them 26 days of the month, and he had them for 4 days a month...by choice. There were no issues with how often he could see the children (still aren't), still, he chose to see them 4 days a month. I had 3 children full time, and was working full time. I did all of the homework monitoring, driving to and from things like piano, ballet, baseball, etc. At the end of each day, I was worn out. and I remember thinking to myself, "When do I get time for me?"

I started thinking, there was time in my day to do things for everyone but myself. I started to resent the feeling that I was doing everything, and he was apparently doing nothing. He didn't have anyone to think about but himself. He had no one to make dinner for, no one to drive to various lessons and outings, no real responsibility for anything but his own existence. It bugged the hell out of me.

Until one day, I thought, "I have to do better than this. I have to get something for myself, or I'm going to go crazy." I started out at the bookstore. Good old Chapters. I started out slowly, heading there only on weekends that the kids were away. It did the trick at the time. I spent hours at a time in that place...got my coffee, found a nice comfy chair, grabbed a stack of books and read 'til the place closed. I started to feel better. There was a certain sense of relief that came with getting out...not really worrying about anything but whether or not my coffee was hot enough. I decided after my second outing that I'd get out and do something for myself not just on weekends that the kids were away, but once a week. That was about all I could do at the time.

I've since learned that a major part of the key to hanging on to my sanity, is taking time for myself. As long as I do that on a regular basis, my home is harmonious. If I don't take time for myself, I become almost unbearable, and my children practically kick me out of the house.

Take time out for yourself. Whether you spend that time lounging in a bookstore, visiting friends, or booking an appointment at a spa (my most recent discovery), the time 'alone' will do you the world of good.

Take care of yourselves.

Martinis for Everyone!

Debbie.

ABOUT ME

My name is Debbie Burgin, and I've been divorced for 9 years now. Most women see their divorces as the end of the world. Rather than see it that way, I actually see my divorce as a chance for me to start over (almost like being parolled)...to create an entirely new life for myself and my children =)

One evening, I was out with some friends (I'd been divorced for a couple of years at the time). We were sitting at a friends house enjoying drinks and appies. I had just bought a new car. We sat in her living room looking out of the window at my new toy, and I said, "I think it should have a name." One of my friends turned to me and she said "Well...look at you...new car, new house, new business...aren't you just the divorce poster child?

The name stuck.

I do believe that divorce doesn't have to be...SHOULDN'T be seen as a 'bitter end', but a great chance at a brand new beginning. EMBRACE IT!! LOVE IT! You get to start over! I can't even tell you how exciting that is.

If you have any questions or comments, please don't hesitate to use the box on the left to contact me.

Thanks for reading!

Here's to Happy!

Debbie.